Life

Life

Thursday, 28 September 2017

I'm a terrible blogger lol

Don't get me wrong I love to blog I love to share..... really I just love to talk and this is the Internets way of doing that. I mean I could you tube video but really who has time for that lol.

So in the time I have blogged last there has been well my whole life going on. Terry is good I am good Zoey is good. We have seen family a lot this summer. wish we had seen more friends abut you can't be everywhere so there you go. Fall is upon us so i'm at my happiest with cool weather and great snuggles.
May garden was weird this summer. We had lots of rain so actually all the things I really wanted to grow are just starting to be fruitful now. Red pepper jelly here I come!!!
We have a few exciting things happening at which I will share at a later date.

I have been strong in my faith consistently and not allowing my brain to get to distracted which is huge learning curve for me. We still don't have a church home but I have been listening elevation church podcast so I am getting the word most days.  and most days because i'm years behind so i listen each day on my way to work. This has been a great resource for me as it help start my day in a beautiful positive light. so i'm getting there friends i'm getting there.

It's fall so it's my favorite time of year for all things, but mostly for all things in my kitchen! as mentioned above waiting for those peppers to turn red then they will be jelly. It's apple butter making season. As well we grew pumpkins this year and I want to process them and freeze it to make pie and a delicious pumpkin bread I make. Oh and I can not forget my famous apple crisp. I learned this recipe in fifth grade and have perfected it each year since!

Meal prep and planning has been tough for us lately so today my mission is to meal plan for all of next week. Slow cooker get ready i'm putting you to work! if you have any yummy for the tummy meals you would like to share I would love it! just throwing it out there.

I'm going to try this bad boy it looks good and simple.

tomato and white bean soup

I hope you all can find your extra joy in this fall season!
Well i try and be a better blogger and keep it up.
I'll try my best to be interesting even though this specific blog is truly lacking that piece lol.
Love
Christine

Thursday, 20 July 2017

When you get your dream job..... then what.....

Hi everyone.
I haven't been around in a while but i had a thought bubble of a blog post.

It's something i'm praying about and contemplating current so i thought i would throw it out there and see what people think.

Please comment I would love some perspective on this.

So in modern day society you are taught to go to school, learn all you can, work like the dickens to succeed in your career and achieve the dream job.

Well that's what i have done. I went to school (twice) worked my tail off set a goal and smashed it!!! yay me!!

Now i have the job the one i was sure was my dream job. And well I do very well at it! good for me (patting myself on the back)

Where I struggle is what happens when you get the dream job??? turns out you still have to work like the dickens lol. Which is all fine and good but what happens when it's not enough.
"Do what you love to do and it will not feel like work "..... well what happens when it's still "work".

I have the dream job it pays well, has great benefits, awesome long term planning, working with amazing people and families yet still not satisfied.

Clearly this means i either picked the wrong "dream job" .....or.... something else is missing.

I don't leave work satisfied with the job i have done even though i work my tail off ...why you ask??
I just don't feel like other then financial gain that it adds to my quality of life.... in fact i think it diminishes my quality of life.

Don't get me wrong I work at a great place and am so very blessed to have the job I have.
I don't mean to be whiny or entitled i'm just not finding satisfaction in the "Dream Job".

Currently the sheer time of which my job takes up is robbing me of those things in life where i do find satisfaction and that is relationships.
It's ironic because i advocate everyday how important good healthy, supportive and progressive relationships make the difference of a well lived life (that's my job in a nut shell).
But in doing this i'm robbing myself and my family of .....well.....me.

I'm never home. I'm always stressed and overwhelmed. I'm frustrated and investing all my energy into something that isn't giving me life.

Now envisioning what a different "Dream Job" would be for me and of course i come up blank.

I have blogged about this before that I don't know if there is any job or career that i really think will give me personally quality of life.

I'm a person that works to fund my life.
I work so my future kids will have a home and food on the table. but i'm already sacrificing the quality of mother they will have.
I don't want to be a stress ball. I don't want to go on amazon to buy a thermometer and as i click the search box totally forget what i was looking for because i'm totally and completely overwhelmed !!! (this happened like five seconds ago).
I don't want to be unhealthy because I don't have time in a day to go to the gym or grocery shop for healthy food or even go to the flipping doctor.

I don't want my children to have a mom they never see. I don't want my kids to be 13 and struggling in school and say well mom can't help me cause shes never home.

This is the path i'm on and I hate it.

I don't hate my job i really don't . I hate what it take from me.
My energy
My passion for life
and my dreams.

So what happens when your dream job isn't a dream?
What do you do?
"For real help a sister out lol.... i'm really struggling"

More then what do you do .... but why do you have to have a dream job.
I get motivations of dreams i get that we live in a world where we use money as currency and they way to get that is working.
I get all the reasons why work is important.
I understand that some people LOVE working and love there career and feel it gives tham so much...


What happens when you are told growing up to be that person

and when you do grow up you just not.
I don't like working full time...


I don't believe that working give me personal satisfaction.
my passions and dreams are in my relationship.
I don't day dream about careers i day dream about children, my husband, my dog, my happy little home, my family, my goals, functioning for my family, i daydream about Love!!

Work does not love me back yet i spend endless hours a week supporting and giving all my energy for a non tangible thing that gives me no love back.
I get a lot of appreciation from the clients i work with which is always awesome but i hate to say it but i don't need it.
I do good work for the community and i am helping and giving back and all that jazz which is great, but when it stops being rewarding should it still be a focus?

I don't really have any wise answers or anyhting like that but would love to hear some feed back.

am i alone in this??
Am i crazy??
i don't know.
Let me know what you think.

Christine


Monday, 5 June 2017

My beautiful people

Hello beautiful people

How goes it??

All is generally well here. Feeling good after a few weeks of not feeling good. I'm finding out that as i age i can actually feel the difference of a healthy eating day and when i have eaten garbage. Not the typical body responses that i'm talking about. but overall my mood is better when i eat better.

But i'm on an upswing.we have had a weekend of gardening and starting the process of re doing our deck so busy busy lol.

I currently working on taking time being by myself and doing things for me......... there's a catch. I can't work on changing myself... This is a Councillor supervised plan lol.

I go to a Councillor as most people should lol. helps to reflect and keep on track to the goals for my life. well I was caught in my last session. caught trying to change again. I seem to always think if i change things life will be easier hahahah. I'ts not turns out. Life is what god wants it to be for you. So i'm learning to love , live and appreciate what i have in life and be ok where i am.

So today I made a plan..... I'm good at that lol.

Goal for the week. go home from work as usual.... walk the dog (easy right ...well yes it is i should just do it more lol).... then 1-1.5 hours of house or project work. then spend the evening with Terry. gonna give it a go. I have a few things in the week booked so i'll adjust as need be.

I plan tonight because i'm sore and tired and it's rainy. to walk the dog then read my bible or do some bible lesson or memorization etc etc. (I downloaded a bunch of apps to help with this).

Lets see how this will work. hoping i will be able to enjoy my time and feel accomplished by bed time.

Found this on Facebook earlier i thought it appropriate for the day.

Love and snuggles
Christine

P.s if you read my blog let me know. even if you dont want to post here is my email christinemccaul85@gmail.com
I wanna hear what you think. do you like it? do you hate it?
I want to amp up my blog game
Help me with it please lol.

Tuesday, 23 May 2017

lets get real

Hey there guys.

having a day here.
I thought instead of posting about recipes or things i'm doing just like you that no one really cares about. I thought hey lets write a post today....


Why is today different then every other.... well today Sucks .. today is hard... today is dark for me.

Alot has happened in the world these past few days and we are all feeling effects from that. But what i'm about to say next may make me seem selfish and uncaring or whatever so i'm just fore warning you.

Today those tragedies are NOT on my mind.
They just are not.
I know i have talked about being a spouse of someone with PTSD but less often i talk about My struggles.

I suffer with depression.
There ya go there it is.
Today is not a good day for me.
i'm not thinking about recent events because i'm not thinking about anything.
Well anything but myself and how i'm feeling. weather i like it or not.
You see (with Dr. supervision) I am off my medication in plans to extend our family.

So guess what that means i have signed up to do the work. So when talking to the doctor of course i'm all "yay I can do this"

Then the chemicals aren't being pumped into your body like you are used to and that chipper motivated person is not there. So you end up with struggle days like today

Just woke up un happy. got a speeding ticket (didn't faze me) just don't care.

So i have made a counselling appt fr tomorrow with my therapist and we start the pull through again. but in these day is when i often look to source of inspiration to help me make sense of my mind and remind myself it's not me it's an illness.

But all that in mind i wanted to break some stigma for my readers if you are at all interested.

I want to tell you what depression is NOT. I know we often here this is what it is look for these signs. And that is sooo important. But it can look different so if i tell you from me what it is NOT always then maybe you can see that in others.
So here you go

Depression is not always:

Self deprecating
When i am in depressive states I am NOT the person who has the thoughts of
I'm not enough
I'm stupid
I'm weak
I'm not worthy.
I'm not good enough
That's just not how it works for me.
Reminder this is just how it looks for me.
This illness is different for everyone. It make my suffering no different or better or anything from anyone else I can only speak to my journey.
My emotion feed thoughts more like
When is it enough
Why is no one helping
What is effecting me
How can i stop this
what can i do in this second to stop this feeling

I have just never been a person to beat myself up.
I would have to look at myself to hard.  (this is why i say my emotions are different then others but it's all the same journey)

Classic lines for me when people ask me how I am:
"oh you know just life"
"oh i'm fine just tired"
"i'm just stress you know life it's unpredictable"
"i'm so busy"
"I've just been really busy with work and all"

If you hear any of these from people. they are probably suffering. And might need to be pushed a little for them to let you in

Visible
It's kind of funny that i'm putting this.
everyone know it's an invisible disease (but do they really).
Not everyone who is depressed is laying in bed crying, going unwashed, not brushing there teeth, not smiling, not getting out there.
I personally can go either way depending on the bout i'm in. My depression can look totally put together. Hair done clean clothes etc etc. This my dears is because I'm trying to keep it stuff together. Trying to take control of something ANYTHING some times.
I often put great work in the appearance of being OK.
Don't get me wrong it can look unwashed and un brushed and uneverything.
But for me it's generally at home. I pull it all together for the public. (those lucky ducks get the best of me lol)
So keep that in mind.
Depressed people do not always "look depressed"


Audible  
This one is pretty common but so important.
You will not always be able to tell a depressed person by them telling you.
I generally tell more people that i don't know or care about that i'm in a state.
I hide from me friends and family with smiles and laughter.
I'm Loud, vibrant and generally upbeat.
I'm depressed. and smile masks a million tears i tell ya.
But boy oh boy over the years i have become a pro at "suck it up" (p.s. don't ever suck it up")
It is the most destructive method of dealing with depression.
This is societal misguidance. Society looks and give the impression that us depresso's are weak and not worthy.
Well that part is not true and i know that so I never put that persona out there.
I'm not late I don't listen to depressing music and wear black lip stick.
I don't want to bring my struggle to light i want to hide.
If you think a friend or loved one is depressed don't ever convince yourself not to help because they "seem" ok.
Always check in ALWAYS.
My personal experience shows that those that pry and don't believe me when i say i'm fine or I've just been busy and continue to pester me (my husband and mother lol).
they are the ones that break thru. When you can look behind the mask and fight a person stubbornness it's in those moments that take the brick off my shoulders. it's the moments when someone figures out my happy persona is a shame.
and trust me you will know if you look at those you KNOW WELL and love. there genuine happiness and fake happiness are different. (this is where i get caught)
For example. I'm a happy person joke a lot but i'm calm. when i'm excitable watch out!!! I'm probably in a super bad place.
take a listen to your friends if they seem in a super different mood weather it be up or down. notice differences. and Ask. they might resist. Ask are you ok?
they will say yes sometimes. even when you know its a no.
but keep asking.
generally people will offer the "if you need anything i'm here" which is often genuine.
But remember i'm depressed and sad i don't know how to ask you for help when you offer. I don';t know how to be like hey 2 months ago you said if i need anything you were there well. i need something.
That just never happens. Just give me the help now. just do it. text me, call, me, bring me a cup of coffee, or send me a picture of your cute kid or your dog, or invite me over to paint our nails together. or come over and go on a walk with me or the dog.
I have great friends who when we are a mess always invite us for dinner.
they just say hey it's one less thing to worry about.... and it is.
no obligation of time or no expectations of receiving back (p.s this one is huge, I will help you when i have something to give.... that is not now so don't expect it).

In the end just be there. depression is lonely. it's been said before and i say it again. it's super lonely. because your hiding. imagine playing hide and seek and no one finding you. that's what it feels like all the time!!!! people know your there they just don't know where you are!

So take these with what you will. but this is from me a girl with depression sick and tired of stereotyping. Depression is not always the same. Know your loved ones and pay attention. you might be more then what you know to them.

here is a great blog i have been reading and he touches on a lot of this stuff way better then i do lol.

http://www.recklesslyalive.com/

I welcome questions and comments remember

Love Chrisitne

Friday, 19 May 2017

This Day

Hello everyone!!

This day is a fitting title for this blog as it has been a strange feeling one lol.

So here in Canada it is Victoria day on monday so its a long weekend. Of course the day before a long weekend it always nuts.
Well no different today except it's been extra weird.

Morning went soooo fast boom it was noon. now the afternoon os soooo slow (i'm waiting for a meeting to arrive and it's taking forever to get there) lol. I'm realizing it's my mindset!!!

Here's why. Morning was busy finishing up the stuff I didn't finish yesterday and all the stuff i needed for my afternoon meeting and all the stuff i want on my desk ready for me on Tuesday.

well....

Now that that is all done.......... I Wait...

And  I wait...
and i sit here and wait some more till 330 comes around.

Because after 330 meeting i go HOME!! for 3 beautiful days of digging in my garden and snuggling that husband and puppy of mine.

Why is the finish line the worse part of the journey.
Just when you find yourself super productive boom crash bang it's done and you wait for the good stuff.

Kind of a fitting view on life itself.

I don't know about you but as a Canadian Women strong smart and educated you learn quickly to hurry up and wait.

Here's how it goes

Hurry up and get through school

Hurry up get a job
Hurry up find a spouse
Hurry up get married
Hurry up get a house
Hurry up have those babies
Now STOP and WAIT for life to reward you.

I say Bull honky!!!!!

I say Slow down. Feel and breathe the in between. So much happens during the in between
Because the tent pole of life are not our LIFE it's what happens when you work your way to the tent poles.

Now this next statement might make me a little unpopular lol but it needs to be said.

Life is NOT always (if ever) about reaching the goals. It's the journey getting there that teaches the lessons.
You learn from failure, you learn from success.
The journey is the knowledge.

So forget what society says you should do and go ahead and live your life.
Live you dreams , cause no harm and choose joy and every turn.

Those steps will get you to 330 when the meeting starts.

Have a super weekend.

Love Christine


Monday, 15 May 2017

I've gone missing!!! jk

So I have been gone for what feels like forever!!! I have no idea if anyone reads this but if you do i apologize for the absence.

Here is what has been happening. Life in insane.

Terry is now finished with school. he did one full semester then his medical team suggested he take a cover break (meaning a mental health not working break where he will still get paid for). So that's what he is doing and it's needed. We were living in constant stress and this will help reduce that and make us both healthier.

As well we went on our honeymoon (only 7 month after we got married but whatever lol)

We went to Jamaica and it was AMAZING!!!! We soaked in the sun and amazing culture. Ate wonderful food and swam with dolphins. A dream vacation.

Except for i got an infection and had to see the doctor but it was just some meds and on with the trip. All went great. I brought back some great souvenirs. A handmade doll that is one doll then you flip the skirt and it's another doll. It's so cool i remember having one just like it as a kid that my grandparents brought back from the Bahamas so it's so cool I was able to bring one back for my future children.
 I brought back two smaller versions of them for my nieces and was able to see and give my sisters daughter hers. She loves it and named it Sarah!!

My sister loved it to as she had one from our grandparents as well.
a ton more happened on the vacation but to much to get into and well you don't care about my favorite parts I'm sure lol. (THE FOOD) all I have to say if someone says hey lets eat Jamaican DO IT!!!! soooo good. jerk chicken, and pork, and festival dumplings, and sooo much fresh fruit that I loved (I think I ate my weight in mango lol)!!
I would go back in a heart beat!!!

I did something drastic well two things for me hahaha. I cut my hair (i only do this like 2 times a year). It was sooo long and heavy i chopped her and i love it (and i went more blonde then expected but it's fitting for summer). BUT the main thing is I CLOSED MY FACEBOOK!!!!

yes you heard right Facebook is deactivated (for now). it's only temporarily. Here is why. So in Jamaica we had no wifi. as Well we had bought a new underwater digital camera and so we locked our phone in the safe and didn't touch them till we left!! it was sooooo refreshing!!! no texts no calls and no Facebook!

Well not 2 days after we got back Terry was talking to me and i was totally zoned out on my phone i didn't hear anything he said. until he messaged me on my phone........ he was sitting beside me....... i was discussed with myself. it goes against everything i know to be so distracted with Facebook life i wasn't paying attention to my own life. so enough of that get it gone until i'm responsible enough to manage it. So going on a week tomorrow and no regrets and no Facebook.

God works in mysterious ways i tell ya. I had a friend text me and say hey i might follow suit and get rid of Facebook for a bit too. she has lots of dramatic stuff going on on Facebook. unhealthy drama. I said ya man do it!!!! We are here to support each other i got your back. soooo she did!! spread that positive mental health choices. yay!

That is really all i have for now. I will think of something witty to write about this week hahah. I have so much to share i can't possibly catch up in one post lol.

To tide you over here a recipe I found for Jamaican Festivals. Make them.... soooo yummy lol.
I did not come up with the recipe and take no credit. I wish i new who wrote it cause I would give them credit but it was un labeled where I found it.

Lots of love
Christine

jAMAICAN FRIED DOUGH | FESTIVAL RECIPE


INGREDIENTS

  • 1 cup cornmeal
  • 1 cup all-purpose flour
  • 1 teaspoon baking powder
  • 1 tablespoon sugar
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • Enough cold water to make a soft dough
  • Oil for frying

DIRECTIONS

  • 1. To make the festival recipe, mix the cornmeal, flour, baking powder, sugar, and salt in a bowl. Add just enough cold water to make a stiff dough.
  • 2. Flour your hands well and knead the dough on a lightly floured surface for just a minute or so. Divide the dough into 12 portions. Roll each portion into a small cigar or sausage shape that’s somewhat tapered at the ends.
  • 3. Pour enough oil into a skillet to reach about 1 inch deep. Heat the oil over medium-high heat until shimmering but not smoking. Carefully slide a few of the dumplings into the oil and fry, turning as necessary, until golden brown on each side, adjusting the heat if necessary, about 8 minutes total. Transfer to paper towels to drain. Repeat with the remaining fritters. Eat ’em hot.


Monday, 27 March 2017

Moving Forward

So these days i'm all about cleaning out my life and moving forward. So this weekend we had friends over so we (and by we I mean mostly Terry) cleaned the entire house. So we started with that and i picked up by making toxin free houshold products.

I made Dryer sheets:

Super easy, just cut up some J clothes (could use any cloth)
1 Cup vinegar
10 drops essential oil (i used orange because of the smell lol and Geranium for the anti bacterial properties)
put it all in an old baby wipe box and boom done
just throw one in the load and stuff it back in the box with the vinegar to re moisten. and add more oil and Vinegar as needed.

I made laundry soap
quick and easy
1/4 cup theives cleaner (young living brand)
1/4 cup castile soap
1/4 cup sea slat
1/4 baking soda (non- aluminum if possiable)
10 drops geranuim essential oil

(if you don't have theives cleaner I would just add some additional castile soap but thieves is awesome)

Mix er all up in a old laundry soap jug and use 1/4 cup of mixture per medium load.
remember to shake the bottle before use

Tonight i'm planning face wash and body wash.

I love this stuff!!!

God gave us a great world and i'm going to live as close to it as i can. This is not only for my health but it's living the way i feel god intended me to. I get such joy out of making my home toxin free that it's not even work it's so much fun!!!